On Ghosts and Conferences


11-08-14

My family and I were on a road trip headed to a conference in Marion, Indiana (the conference has been in another dream, but last time in an apocalyptic Venice-Tokyo). I don’t recall what the conference  was for, but I do remember I was a speaker there and it was particularly urgent that I arrive on time.

Though Marion is only an hour or so from where I live, we stopped at a family owned Bed & Breakfast. The accommodations were simple; they had converted an old double on some waaaaaay out there back country road and rented out half while they lived in the other half. 

The Bed and Breakfast was a yellow remodeled Victorian affair that had been remodeled into a double at some point in its life. It was a little sad looking and mysterious. Somehow, the owners managed to rent it out to more than 2 people at a time and didn't live there themselves.

I, my sister, and my parents were just going to stay the night, grab some breakfast, and leave the next morning (the house had a massive restaurant in the back… somehow)

But that night, my ex-girlfriend Mandie showed up to the B&B lobby with a whole bunch of her friends (for no apparent reason). I remember being surprised, and I briefly thought okay dream, this is just cruel. She was surprised to see me and stayed behind her friends; but after they sifted through registration, we drummed up a bit of conversation. I recall saying “Yeah I’m watching supernatural now” she was watching Smallville, I mentioned that was on my watchlist, along with various other shows. She seemed mildly impressed; which was nice. I briefly entertained the idea of talking about more serious matters, but lucid me kicked in and reminded me it was just me.

Flash forward to that night. Another guest in the hotel starts having these fits of panic and dies of heart attack: Ghost Sickness (I’d been watching Supernatural, sue me!)  But by the time we woke up, Mandie and her friends were already gone.

At this point I woke up. I had this faint recollection of saving Mandie from the top of a destroyed building (in Venice-Tokyo) but I don't remember how that fits into the dream.

So I just focused on driving out to stop the ghost sickness from spreading...

Which I did. For some reason, though Marion is in the north-central-east of Indiana, I kept driving west; even the Bed and Breakfast was in the western half of the state. I chased after them in my now-1967 Chevy Impala (a LOT of supernatural, okay?). Definitely felt like Dean Winchester at this point. The trip out was uneventful. I just remember turning around in a gas station and going east.
Somehow I arrived at the conference center ( a completely transformed Indiana Wesleyan University) and realized to my horror that Mandie+Co had retired to their dorm, and that this Ghost Sickness was going to spread like wildfire if I didn’t do something fast.

One of her friends answered the door and cut to black; I woke up for good.


Explanation: I’ve been watching a lot of Supernatural, so the dream took on a ghost-hunting feel as soon as we got to that run down Bed & Breakfast. Retelling the dream WAS the first time I've referred to Mandie as my ex. Coping? Maybe, but no particular meaning behind this dream. Just lots of Supernatural and a little emotionalism.

On Dreams


I often dream. I dream lucidly, vividly, and dramatically. So I'm going to start dream journaling here for my own record and your reading pleasure (or bewilderment, depending)

When I was maybe 3 years old I remember telling my parents I saw something 'in my one little eye' the night before. It was a simple dream: a man tied to a chair in an infinite expanse. A large spotlight shone in a large circle around him; and just out of sight, various creatures (monsters?) lurked.

Looking back, I guess it should have been a little scary, but I don't recall it being frightening in the least. In fact, since then I can recall only three dreams that I would call "Nightmares". Sometimes things get a little dicey; escaping a hungry living house, exorcising demons in the middle of battlefields, gigantic amorphous dragon creatures mutilating and eating people. But even when things are intense, it's never scary.

When I was around 12, I discovered I could 'pause' my dreams. I was in a round room fighting lizard men, and one of my friends was about to get killed. 12-year-old-me wasn't about to have any of that tragic nonsense in his head, so I envisioned a video game style pause menu and woke myself up. I lay in bed for a few minutes in half-sleep, then decided I wanted to go back and try again. So I did. I don't know how I became so lucid, but it makes things a whole load more interesting. 

Sometimes I wake myself up to avoid something happening, sometimes I wake up mid-dream and decide to go back to sleep to see it through, and sometimes I just go full on lucid godmode without waking up. One time I woke up from a particularly long dream, dozed off on accident, and got an alternate ending. 

Anyway, all that to say I have long, lucid, vivid dreams full of emotion; and I plan on recording them here. I may or may not include a “What's going on in my life to invoke this” section, and a “What I got from this” section. I’m not as into dream interpretation as I used to be; but I am intent on making everything significant. If some dream is going to be floating around in my head all day, I may as well make something out of it.


Read and enjoy!

Still Learning (We Came As Romans)


A War Inside by We Came As Romans on Grooveshark

The devil on my shoulder tells me he's proud of me.  Proud of my darkness. I should be proud of it too; it takes a real man to look out for himself. That's all I've ever done... look to myself. There are times when I am inspired, when I look up from my introspection and see the world, but it's short lived... I am always eager to return, to turn my back on the people I've loved and bask in the comforting warmth of my Darkness.

But I can't convince myself this is it. The devil on my shoulder whispers softly into my ears. I don't want to believe him, I want to fight back, I don't want to give in... but I do. The Dark is so inviting, and the world is so cold. It's just easier to just stay silent.

I wish I knew how to speak out. I've never had a problem with words, but only when talking to someone else. I speak into people, I'm encouraging, I'm insightful, I'm inspiring. But I save no words for myself. When the devil on my shoulder speaks, I do not answer. So many times I have helped others overcome their demons, why have I not taken my own advice? There's a war inside me that I keep to myself, and I need to talk like a king just to keep myself afloat.

The war inside me.. is a thing all my own. Noone knows, and if they do they don't say anything. As I sit in my Darkness their silence becomes condemnation. The devil speaks to me again, I came to this place alone. I am alone. There is noone here to tell me what is wrong, but I am wrong.

Why does noone speak? "Because you do not tell them."
Why do I not tell them? "Because they will pity you."
I do not want pity. "That is right, you do not need pity."
Why can I not escape? "Because you do not wish to escape."
Why do I not tell them? "Because they will scorn you."
What have they to scorn? "Your scars."

How much longer until everyone knows?

This time I speak.

I came here alone. "Yes, yes you did."
There is noone here but me. "That's... right"
Why can I not help myself? "Because you do not wish to"

Who are you?

...Silence...


There was no demon. I am the devil on my own shoulder.
I am the one who started this war. I am the one who destroys myself. I am the one who tells me to comfort myself in my darkness.

I should have started to take my own advice from the moment I started giving it. I can't change the past, I missed that chance, yes. But I can only control what happens from here. Now when I risk a look back into the inviting darkness, I turn away. I could regret my past, but if none of this had happened, I never would have heard

The Angel on my shoulder, telling me he is proud of me. This time the voice is not my own. He tells me it takes a real man to live for everyone else, and I know I believe him. This war inside me is all my own; it will never get easier, but it will always be worth it.

I'm still learning to speak out against myself, listen to the Angel as he guides me on the path I truly want to be on. Though I've lost my way more times than I have wished, my heart is constant and willing.

Dear Angel,
I still believe that we were made for more than I've been doing lately. The end of depression will be the start of getting back what I have lost; I had become conceited, but I'm making it back to where I last left off. And so I've shown you my heart.

Will you restore me?